Monday, March 19, 2012

Being there for loved ones

I have not written anything even remotely connected to what I'm doing right now because making jobs applications and then talking about them is actually utterly boring. I was talking to a friend right now, who forgot to call me. I waited for his call all day. And when he didn't call, it hurt me very much. I felt abandoned. Sounds really silly and everything, but that is the truth. And this other boy I love- not to be confused with the first person I mention here- have been bickering constantly and consistently over the last couple of years. We've known each other eleven years and you'd think that that is enough time to simply sort issues out. Instead, I've just been vicious and mean and everything I would not want to be to another person.

When someone hurts me, my first reaction is always being defensive. This? hurt me? Pah, I'm made of stronger stuff. You forgot my birthday? So what, big deal. I'm not silly enough to fret over it. But it registers at the back of my mind until things start accumulating with increasing frequency. Take this specific instance. Didn't come visit me in summer= does not care about me at all. Turns out tickets were just too expensive and scheduling was tight. I was relatively free and could easily have gone and visited but my olympian-sized id (that's the correct term, not ego!) got in the way. What made me even more mad was the fact that he always hung up when someone else called. I'm pretty sure I've done that loads of times with my friends but when someone did it to me, I couldn't handle it. And finally, the big red cherries on this magnificent cake- if you don't care-or more accurately if you don't care about me on my terms- I'm going to show you I don't care even if it tears me from inside. Because I'm really a strong person, see?

A year ago, I'd have denied all of this. But I just feel like it's time for me to stop behaving like a two year old.  Someone I'm really close to now feels like nobody cares about her, nobody is there for her and it just isn't true.

Sometimes being on the other side of the table brings you clarity. That said, I guess I should be more vocal about things that hurt me rather than react in this fashion. Keeping it all inside and trying to track patterns in another person's behaviour is even worse. In this particular instance, I've really really gone overboard and I foresee no chances of repairing, but this is a lesson I've learnt and I will consciously work towards repairing it in future. This equation has meant the world to me and while It hasn't been all me, I've played a rather active role in ruining things. Lesson to be learnt from this.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Beautiful stranger

You will always be beautiful.With your sparkle and your zest. With your shyness and your contempt.With every glint, there have been tales. Tales of valour. Tales of loss. You will always be beautiful. With your laughter and your dreams. With your passion and your courage. With your quiet strength and your silly humour.And I will always love you.Ally,Object of affection, Stranger.

Foo Fighters - Home (Pixar)

Better together- Jack Johnson

Monday, March 12, 2012

After a few very frustrating months, I am finally making headway with my research project. Gathering sources and verifying data has been so incredibly difficult. In the meantime, I bought this lovely salwar kameez for myself. I really like the greens and reds of this kurti and I think I might want to wear more colourful things such as this. S- one of my two best friends from school- as a treat for me having worked so hard, dropped off rajma and kari for me to have for dinner. I think it's possibly my favourite comfort food. My dad keeps reminding me that it's the U.P. in my veins that keep acting up.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Meghu and other Tales

February has been a hectic month, and one full of worry-at least the beginning of it-but March promises to be much more fun. I've been putting the finishing touches to my research project ( I'm working on The Bengal Famine) and applying for jobs and being put through grilling interviews. The fun is back in my life as well, but for how long, I don't know. The good thing about being home is not having to stress about every minute detail of my life so I can actually focus on things I enjoy doing too. The interviews are actually quite intimidating, and I know I need to improve on my skills to do better at them, but it's a start and I'm quite happy with it.

One of the joys of my life is my niece Meghna, a beautiful tot with big eyes and a sparkling smile. The owl you see in the blogpost below is for her, and then there's a cat and a fish that I drew for her. It's so exciting to actually have a baby grow up right in front of my eyes, especially such a squishy baby. 

I'm also going to get back to blogging. I haven't written in a long while and this is a good time to get back to it. More soon!