Is it normal to feel this confused about life in general? Or even have a nagging sense of dissatisfaction at what life has to offer for me? Looking back at the last three years, I have realized that I have hardly written anything, and what scares me even more is that I am turning into a person that even I cannot relate to. My convictions seem laughable, almost ridiculous to some people, and I stay up nights wondering if I said the right thing, did the right thing, and am even thinking the right thoughts.
Self-censorship- I think- is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. Even in my own head I am incoherent, confused, unable to fathom anything. It is better to be in a bad place, I think, in one's life. Than to be in an ambiguous place. To "settle". To be exploited for the sake of security. To become something that you swore to yourself you would never become.
Things that have changed in the last three years :
1) I don't speak my mind anymore.
2) I am always worried about how I will support myself.
3) Am not sure what I want to be/ where I wish to see myself five years from now.
4) I find myself rejecting everything I have been mildly (or even) zealously been conditioned to believe.
5) I haven't had a byline since 2012. Wait, until this blogpost and the previous one, I had not even written anything that was not work related.
6) I am usually quite positive and pick up the pieces and try to build something from it, but of late, all I have done is crib and cry and things have not gotten better.
Writing has always felt therapeutic to me. I am going to hold myself publicly accountable and build a writing career from scratch, starting today. And I will stop worrying about what others think of me.
GOALS FOR THE YEAR
Today is the first of March. From today, I will start seriously writing.
1)By March 1, 2015 I will have an impressive body of work. I will also take my GREs, prepare for my examinations and not be depressed all the time. I will swim, cultivate patience and do things that I love.
2) I will work on two pieces with immediate effect.
3) I will be disciplined and write one blogpost every single day.
4) Quality is extremely important, but being prolific is also very important to me.
I will breathe easy once I have all of my writing in place and I figure out what my next Educational steps are. After an incredibly long time, I have actually been able to gather my thoughts and actually write about them.
Here's to a productive year of lots of blogging and writing.