I have not written anything even remotely connected to what I'm doing right now because making jobs applications and then talking about them is actually utterly boring. I was talking to a friend right now, who forgot to call me. I waited for his call all day. And when he didn't call, it hurt me very much. I felt abandoned. Sounds really silly and everything, but that is the truth. And this other boy I love- not to be confused with the first person I mention here- have been bickering constantly and consistently over the last couple of years. We've known each other eleven years and you'd think that that is enough time to simply sort issues out. Instead, I've just been vicious and mean and everything I would not want to be to another person.
When someone hurts me, my first reaction is always being defensive. This? hurt me? Pah, I'm made of stronger stuff. You forgot my birthday? So what, big deal. I'm not silly enough to fret over it. But it registers at the back of my mind until things start accumulating with increasing frequency. Take this specific instance. Didn't come visit me in summer= does not care about me at all. Turns out tickets were just too expensive and scheduling was tight. I was relatively free and could easily have gone and visited but my olympian-sized id (that's the correct term, not ego!) got in the way. What made me even more mad was the fact that he always hung up when someone else called. I'm pretty sure I've done that loads of times with my friends but when someone did it to me, I couldn't handle it. And finally, the big red cherries on this magnificent cake- if you don't care-or more accurately if you don't care about me on my terms- I'm going to show you I don't care even if it tears me from inside. Because I'm really a strong person, see?
A year ago, I'd have denied all of this. But I just feel like it's time for me to stop behaving like a two year old. Someone I'm really close to now feels like nobody cares about her, nobody is there for her and it just isn't true.
Sometimes being on the other side of the table brings you clarity. That said, I guess I should be more vocal about things that hurt me rather than react in this fashion. Keeping it all inside and trying to track patterns in another person's behaviour is even worse. In this particular instance, I've really really gone overboard and I foresee no chances of repairing, but this is a lesson I've learnt and I will consciously work towards repairing it in future. This equation has meant the world to me and while It hasn't been all me, I've played a rather active role in ruining things. Lesson to be learnt from this.