Saturday, February 26, 2011

I have always disliked definitions

I have always disliked definitions. I understand the need for them and I have read enough theorists to be utterly convinced by now of its needs. But I've always thought of definitions as social constructs, defined only to be  challenged and questioned. When I was younger, I would often stare out of the window and think of words and objects and why they mean what they mean. Growing up, I'd always imagined that I'd be a linguist of some sort. I also wanted to be someone who spent hours at the library, looking up archives and someone who spent months and months in a foreign land, discovering its intricacies. I once blithely told my mother that I wanted to be an artist, a singer and a writer. And a good person.

As I grew older, the categories felt trite and I was also gripped by the fear of not making it. It didn't help when I was asked questions like, That's all great, but what about a 'real' job? I stopped thinking about my dreams, and my ambitions and the fact that the point hadn't been to make it in the first place. I've always believed that any creative work should be given a chance and then, once it's out there in the universe, it's for people to accept or reject it. The piece could be self-gratifying,dreamlike- anything at all that a person wants to create, because I think as individuals and societies constantly in flux and interacting with one another, there is so much to learn, so much to share and so very much to create.

I began to try to focus on certain things and exclude others. The entire process somewhat got me the desired results, but made me question everything I was doing even more. 

I will get a 'real' job, but I'm not giving up on my dreams. I have to decided to actively work towards them as well.


 I don't see why I can't do everything that I want to do. At times it will be difficult and trying, but I'd rather live exactly the way I want to.

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